There are certain things that I can't think about, because if I do I'm a mess. I work so hard to keep myself together, having break downs and crying all the time isn't an option I give myself. So here's to taking a few steps backwards...
I hate that I wasn't there. If I could change one thing (besides the obvious) I would have been there. I would do anything to have been able to just hold Cody. To tell him how proud I was and that it was ok. Tell him how proud Colten was of his daddy, and we'd make it. I force myself to find comfort in knowing who was with him, that his hand was held, and he was with guys that loved him as much as anyone.
The weekend before Cody died, was awful. I had the worst feeling. I was on edge up until they knocked on my door that Tues. and after that it's all a blur. There's a website that lists all the fatalities that occur overseas, there were a good twelve empty spots listed for people that had died over the last few days., but the names can not be posted until the families have been notified. I checked that site every five min. waiting to see that the slots had been filled. Because if all the slots were filled I knew Cody was ok, and that I had worked myself up over nothing. Well needless to say Cody was one of those names. I gave Colten a bath that morning, knowing that I was playing with him while my husband was dying makes me hate myself. I should of known the moment he was hit that something was wrong. While I was dressing and feeding Colten, Cody was thousands of miles away fighting to live. That thought makes me sick.
The other day, I was looking at Colten. I realized that the closest I'll ever come to feeling Cody's touch is holding Colten. The closest thing to being kissed by Cody are Colten's sweet little open mouth kisses. It's hard, but so comforting knowing that I get to hold the same sweet little boy that Cody held so tightly before he deployed.
I had to find some kind of outlet or the anger that has built up inside would eat me alive. And how can I be the mother I should be and that Colten deserves with I'm pissed at the world? I'm doing a run in September with the organization Remembering the Brave. It's being held in Colorado as far as I know. I've never been more motivated to do anything in my life. This run could be in Japan and I'd be there. So I run, I run for Cody. And the days that I feel lazy and I don't want to run , I think of what he went through and the motivation comes flooding back.
I know without a doubt that running in his honor would make him proud.