Some think I'm better, but I'm not. I'm completely broken. I smile on the outside to hide that I'm crying on the inside. The fairytale that I had is gone, and now like everyone says "I'm living their worst nightmare". And can I say I hate hearing that? It just makes me feel even worse to know that no one wants any part of my life which is understandable since I don't want it either, but I don't need it vocalized. I'm not trying to be rude it just hurts.
I hate December, but not as much as I hate January. What is it like to know that you'll be in your husbands arms in just a few short weeks? I'm gonna guess and say you're stomach is in knots, and that you're so excited you shake from nervous. I feel the same why, but my stomach is in knots because I'll still be alone after Cody's unit is home and that Colten will never get to throw a ball with his dad. I'm a nervous wreck having the responsibility of raising a child rest solely on my shoulders. Some fairytale huh?
I'm at a loss on whether or not I should go to homecoming. Part of me thinks that Cody would want me there, to take his place, to stand where he would of stood, and the other part isn't so sure I'll be able to handle seeing wives running around and jumping into their husbands arms. I want to, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough.
Christmas was so much harder than I had anticipated, I figured I'd be ok since Cody wasn't supposed to be back yet....wrong! I don't even know why I put makeup on, I must of re done it 3 or 4 times. Waking up to Colten was so bitter sweet. Even with seeing his sweet face, it was hard to get the words "Merry Christmas" out. There was nothing "Merry" about it. I just wanted to tell everyone "Christmas" this whole season.
I just miss my husband terribly, and want him back. I wonder if this was a preview of what Valentines Day, Father's Day, and Cody and Colten's birthday will be like...great. There should be a "Make-it-all-go-away" pill.
2011 please better than 2010.