Some think I'm better, but I'm not. I'm completely broken. I smile on the outside to hide that I'm crying on the inside. The fairytale that I had is gone, and now like everyone says "I'm living their worst nightmare". And can I say I hate hearing that? It just makes me feel even worse to know that no one wants any part of my life which is understandable since I don't want it either, but I don't need it vocalized. I'm not trying to be rude it just hurts.
I hate December, but not as much as I hate January. What is it like to know that you'll be in your husbands arms in just a few short weeks? I'm gonna guess and say you're stomach is in knots, and that you're so excited you shake from nervous. I feel the same why, but my stomach is in knots because I'll still be alone after Cody's unit is home and that Colten will never get to throw a ball with his dad. I'm a nervous wreck having the responsibility of raising a child rest solely on my shoulders. Some fairytale huh?
I'm at a loss on whether or not I should go to homecoming. Part of me thinks that Cody would want me there, to take his place, to stand where he would of stood, and the other part isn't so sure I'll be able to handle seeing wives running around and jumping into their husbands arms. I want to, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough.
Christmas was so much harder than I had anticipated, I figured I'd be ok since Cody wasn't supposed to be back yet....wrong! I don't even know why I put makeup on, I must of re done it 3 or 4 times. Waking up to Colten was so bitter sweet. Even with seeing his sweet face, it was hard to get the words "Merry Christmas" out. There was nothing "Merry" about it. I just wanted to tell everyone "Christmas" this whole season.
I just miss my husband terribly, and want him back. I wonder if this was a preview of what Valentines Day, Father's Day, and Cody and Colten's birthday will be like...great. There should be a "Make-it-all-go-away" pill.
2011 please better than 2010.
I love you Ash and Colten. Wish I could take the pain away. Or lie and say things will never be hard again. Just know we all love and care about you and Colten. If there is anything I can do, if you want me to go to homecoming with you to cry on my shoulder or just spend the day doing something else and trying to avoid thinking about it I am there. <3 Wanda
ReplyDeleteYour heartfelt posts are amazingly well written. I wish your life had not turned out as it is today. There are no words to make anything any better. Colten is blessed with a great Mom and with you at his side, he will grow to be a wonderful man just like his Dad.
ReplyDeleteYou will do what it takes to raise your son to be a fine man like his father. Nothing can be said to "cheer you up", only time can tell how long it really takes to heal your wounds.
ReplyDeleteAshleigh...you will always feel the pain of losing someone so special to you. Unfortunately there are no words to help the pain. Just know that you are in the arms of God and rely on his comfort...and in knowing that you will one day be reunited with your love in heaven. You do have a huge responsibility in raising your beautiful son...and I am certain Cody would proudly call you a wonderful and loyal 'wife' and 'mother.' Be proud of who you are and never lose faith in yourself. You have a wonderful family and many friends who are there to love and support you...take advantage of that whenever you feel weak.
ReplyDeleteI have discovered that the fairytale ending is a farce. We don't get to see the end, just the beginning. I have stopped expecting all those days to be easy. I have what I call my "good months" and my "bad months"...but really I just have good days and bad days. I am blessed, because I have my kids, Frank, and people like you to keep me smiling and moving forward. But when it comes down to it I miss Michael terribly. I was looking at the year in review pictures from the New York Times today and I could not control my tears. Pictures of the military and disasters in Haiti and Pakistan cut me deep and reminded me of what I have lost because of who I married. You and I, we just fell in love with great men, and we will forever be broken because of it. But I can guarantee you, like me, would not give up one precious moment we shared with our husbands. We both would rather shoulder the pain than to have never fallen in love with them. Smiles from Colten will daily and slowly patch up some of those broken pieces. Hopefully, someday when the rest of those broken pieces can no longer bear being alone, someone will come along to patch up some more pieces. What will result is a heart that resembles what it used to be...one that is as fixed as it will ever be. I am so sorry that you were introduced to the pain that I have beared. It is terrible. It feels terrible and nothing can change that. And yes, all those holidays and birthdays will be difficult. I got through two of Mike's birthdays, two anniversaries and now my second Thanksgiving and Christmas without him and the pain still takes my breath away. It is easier to smile but still so very painful. I have faith though that you will make it through...and if I have to carry you until you can stand on two feet I will because I love you and you deserve to smile.
ReplyDeleteAshleigh I just have to say that I give you so much credit to put these posts up and theres yet to be a post that hasnt made me cry or tear up. You're an amazing woman and better yet an amazing mother and wife. My husband like yours was deployed over there and got shot twice and is now home. And although you'd think that I got lucky its farrr from that. He and I NEVER shared the love you and your husband had for eachother and although it sux to admit that it's the truth. It was a war everyday and the 1st time he got shot I was so scared I cried. Now we're getting a divorce and we have a beautiful child who he will never meet because of the man he isn't. He's put us both through complete torment it't ridiculous. So the second time he got shot I'm not gonna lie there were karma thoughts going through my mind. Then when I heard about your husband and read your beautiful posts it made me say now why do good men like him who was a loving and devoted father and husband have to have his life taken so abruptly when there are selfish and down right ignornant men like mine that get to live. And by no means am I saying do I wish he had had anything bad happen to him over there I'm just saying how it makes you think about how unfair it is and it's not right. I'm soo sorry for your loss and you and your beautiful son will always be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAshleigh, there are no words anyone can say that will make it any easier for you to "feel better." Allow yourself to grieve; cry when you need to; get mad and throw things if that helps. There is no single "proper" way to deal with such a loss. You will hold it together because Colten needs you to. Nobody can promise that the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and such will ever be easier for you - only time will tell you that. Just know that you are in the prayers of a lot of people. If you can't bring yourself to go to the homecoming when Cody's unit returns to the states, there is no shame in that. Don't torture yourself, whether by going or not going. I don't think there is anybody in the unit who would find fault if you aren't able to be there. Keep writing your blog; putting your words down is amazing therapy. Hugs to you {{{{{{Ashleigh and Colten}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteI believe Baby Colten has the best mom and you will find amazing strength in him.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't anything that anyone can say to make things better. There isn't anything that anyone can do to make things easier. You are allowed to grieve however you need to, in whatever manner you need to. You do whatever feels right to you and you can't go wrong.
ReplyDeleteMy heart and prayers are with you and Colten.
I can't stop crying just thinking about how hard a decision it must be for you to decide whether you can go to the Homecoming. Neither option seems like a good one. I hate that this happened to such a wonderful woman, man and son. I think you are incredible Ashleigh. I think about you guys all the time and pray God would give you more comfort. I know what I say can't make it any better but to know that so many people care about you and I am one of them. I love you girl.
ReplyDeleteAshleigh you are beyond an amazing mother, also a woman and a wife. I know Cody is smiling looking down upon you and y'alls son Colten knowing that Colten is in great hands with the woman he chose to marry and love. I am deeply sorry that he passed and isn't able to come home to you and Colten at homecoming. I prayed everyday that they were all gone that I wouldn't ever see Cody's name as a fallen hero and yet sadly I did. I cried my heart out the night I found out not only because he was a great man, father and husband to you but he was a great friend to my husband and of course a TON others. I greatly appreciate getting to meet your husband when I was in Bahrain with them and also getting that brief couple of meetings with you also. You are an amazing woman and I look up to you for your love and strength through everything good and bad.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't even begin to say that I understand how hard it is to choose to go to homecoming or not. Either way no one will look down upon you for going or not you have been through so much and you need to do what is good for you and your son and your husband even if he his gone.
If you need anything, anything at all I am here for you please know this.
All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son Colten now. <3
Hi Ashleigh. Your blog & posts are meaningful, touching, and heartfelt. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing woman and your baby is adorable. Drive On!
ReplyDeleteWally Beddoe, Cpl. USMC 81-85
You are part of a brotherhood that will be there for you as long as you want us. You are a Marine wife. Continue to vent and share - hiding the pain doesn't make it go away.
ReplyDeleteSemper Fi,
a former female Marine
Ashleigh, Just wanted you to know that you are one special lady. Thank you for sharing such a personal and part of your life with us.
ReplyDeleteI too am a believer that Colten has the best mommy in the world. Life is a precious gift that we're given each and every day. Colten is the biggest and best part of that gift. He is the luckiest little boy in the world to have you for a mom.
You and Colten need to take baby steps - together. Answers to your questions are going to be blurry for a while, but that's ok. Take
your time and your heart will eventually find it's way and what is right for you.
In closing, I would like to say that we truly care about you and what you are going thru.
We do not take for granted the sacrifices that you and other military families have made and continue to make each and every day for us.
Our family has no in the military but we "adopted" and were supporting our 2/6 Marines.
You have paid Cody the highest tribute by sharing your life story.
You, Colten and Cody's family are in our prayers each and every day. Take Care
Have you started an educational fund for your son? If not, I suggest contacting a bank in your hometown for help. It would be a tangible way for those of us reading your blog to honor your Marine's sacrifice and to help. your hometown paper would likely publicize it, which will generate more funds than your blog alone.
ReplyDeleteTime will really make the pain less and the good memories more golden, but it will take years, not months, and there will always be an empty space there. Keep the faith. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
I'll post a link in my blog tomorrow: www.tartanmarine.blogspot.com. ~Bob.
Robert A. Hall
Former SSgt, USMC
Vietnam, 1967
tartanmarine@gmail.com
There is no sorrow like that of one who has lost their soul mate. While it can be said that time heals the wounds of that loss, I'm of the believe it just dampens the hurt a litttle. Because it'll always be there. God bless you and your child.
ReplyDeleteSemper Fi
Ed Creamer
Ashleigh, there is nothing I can say or add that hasn’t already been said above. I’ll just say ‘Ditto!’
ReplyDeleteBut I will send you and Colten virtual hugs and a kiss on top of your heads (what I call ‘head kisses’ to my granddaughter) and pray that you find some sort of peace with your life.
From an old Tin Can Sailor and milsupport junkie.
Somehow, my father got an email about your blog... he forwarded it to me, and here I am. I am a former military wife, and can not imagine the pain you are enduring from your loss. Your husband is a hero, and it is up to you to preserve his memory. I am so sorry for your loss. In addition to being a stay at home Mom, You have been given a new job, to keep your husband's memory alive for your son... post his picture on your fridge, make it a ritual to kiss him goodnight, write a story about your little family on http://creationsbyyou.com/, draw silly pictures and read it to your son every night- you have a new lot in life now... you are the hero now. You are inspiring, and so strong... do not ever give up... you have so many people praying for you. You would be a stronger woman than I, attending Homecoming, but then again, you already are. Keep your chin up... Colten depends on you.
ReplyDeleteSemper fi, Ashleigh.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss, I wish I could do anything to bring him back. Even though I don't know him personally, I've had a few friends who I served with die in my arms. Two of them had wives and children. It was not easy.
Hang in there. There are people who care for you.
You are always welcome anywhere to me.. Even though you don't know me, and vise versa.