Vote vote VOTE!

Go HERE and vote Taryn Davis. She was just 21 when her husband, CPL Michael Davis, was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. In 2007, just four months after her husband's death she created the AWP (American Widow Project). This non profit has helped, and supported over 900 military widows. Pretty awesome huh? 


Taryn is up for CNN's Hero of the Year award. The top 10 nominees will receive a $10,000 grant. The nominee with the most votes will receive an additional $250,000 in grants!!! Wowza! So please vote (up to 10 times a day! wink,wink). 


CNN's photographer David S. Holloway went, and hung out with Taryn, and other widows on an AWP get-a-away trip. Click HERE to watch, and hear about his visit.


Thank you so much for your support!


<3 Ashleigh

Give thanks

I heard a quote the other day that went something like...



"If all you had tomorrow was what you thanked God for today, what would you have?" 




That really got my mind going, and I started to freak out. What would I have?! Sadly, not a whole lot.  I've let myself get to wrapped up in loosing Cody, and what was taken that I tend to forget what I do have. I'm sure you've seen the the thankfulness statuses for everyday of November on Facebook. This is something I haven't participated in, and not for any particular reason. Well, I tend to go against the grain. I'm crazy stubborn, and that drove Cody CRAZY! I think it was because he had a mini stubborn streak himself, so it was hard for him to accept that I was always right. haha Colten is the worst out of all of us, but I guess that's about right since he came from stubborn thing 1 and 2. Back to where I was going with this. Since I'm hardheaded, and have to be difficult here's a few things on my thankfulness list.

• The peace God gives me everyday knowing that Cody is in his presence. 
• The love that Cody and I shared which gave us a beautiful son.
• Colten bug... the light of my life.
• My in laws. They're pretty amazing. 
• Zachary... my rock, protector, and tissue when I need his shoulder to cry on. 
• My WIDSTERS!!! If it wasn't for other widows I would have checked myself in the crazy house by now. They've kept me out of my dark hole.
• Family/friends New and old that have been there for Colten and I through this journey.

Do you have an empty place setting at your table during the holidays? We do in our home for obvious reasons. It is for Cody, and his brothers in arms that laid down their lives. Every Marine, Soldier, Sailor, and Airman who gave us their everything. I'm still in awe at the selflessness of it all. This is a tradition in our home, but I am embarrassed to say it wasn't started until we lost Cody. So, I'm here to encourage you to have that empty chair for the men and women who have died for you. People they didn't even know.  It will make your home humble, and maybe there won't be any crazy family holiday fights? Kidding.

               

I wish all of you an amazing Thanksgiving. Enjoy your day surrounded by the ones you love. Eat, play football, nap...however your family spends the day I wish it to intimate, and memorable.

Happy Weekend

I've been trying to figure out what exactly I should write about. Do people really care that I cleaned the kitchen and folded underwear all day?  I highly doubt it. I use blogging as an outlet for the emotions I keep built up from missing Cody, but what about the days I actually keep it together? I don't want every post to be sad and depressing, that's just no fun. So here is a Friday night in the Roberts' home...


Is there anyone that can tell me what is going on with this weather?! 2 days ago I was in shorts and flip flops, and today I'm bundled like an Eskimo. So what is there to do when it's freezing and you've had a toddler locked up in the house all day? ....

                          The boys chopping wood. I'm so out numbered.

                       This was Colten's first time roasting marshmallows.

 Please excuse me looking like a bum in sweats. They're Cody's pt. pants so I say they're OK. :) 

                                              

                             Colten wanted to play Chubby Bunny, he won. 

And to add a little excitement to the night, Colten ate dirt thanks to Axl bulldozing him over. He walked away with a nice red knot on his forehead. And trying to hold ice to a 1 year old's head was the best part. He was less than thrilled. Minus the minor injury, it was a good day. 

When Three Becomes Two now has a FACEBOOK page! So if you haven't already please go HERE to "Like" it! 

                                        <3 Ash

Hiatus Over!

I'm baaaackkk!  I know I hadn't blogged for very long before I disappeared so I'm not to sure how many even noticed my absence. But for those that have... I'm so excited to be writing again! Blogging is an amazing outlet that I've missed. There is so much to tell and catch everyone up on! The ups and downs of the last 10 month I will recount and unfold. I made it through Colten's 1st birthday and Cody's 23 (which are only 2 days apart), our second wedding anniversary, which was also the last day I saw him alive. So that day was a double whammy. And the worst, the 1 year mark. The whole month of August just sucked.

So where to start? Let's see...I'll begin with I'm dating and have an amazing boyfriend. And let me tell you there are 9,823,487,853 opinions on this. Some great, and others really crappy and out of line. I thought that keeping my private life private was the way to go to keep the talking to a minimum. Whoa! Was I wrong! It seems that if you try to keep people out of your business they work even harder to find a way in. I've learned that people are insanely curious about the life of a widow. We're just like you, we just cry more. Please don't get me wrong I'm fine with being asked about my life. It's the gossiping, and people thinking they know so much when they know nothing I can't stand. If you have a question come to ME, not anyone else.

Back to the bf. If you've read my posts before you'll remember this one Get your tissues ready where I posted the letter that Zack, (Cody's best friend) wrote to be read at the funeral since he was deployed still in Afghanistan. Well ladies and gents like so many of you predicted would happen has. Zack and I are dating. Yay!!! Maybe I won't be the lonely old widow that hates her neighbors after all!  I get two completely different responses from this.

1. "That's great that you've been able to find happiness again, and who better than a man that Cody trusted to love and care for you guys."

And this one that makes me want to run them over with a bus repeatedly...

2." How can you do that? How can he do that? I just couldn't do what you're doing. I just don't understand. How can Zack look at you and see anything but Cody's wife?" ect. ect. jab jab

When I get response 1. I just want to hug whoever it is, stranger or friend and cry. With response 2. I feel a slap to the face is needed. I don't care if you get it or not. I'm the one dating Zack, not you. Why do people think their thoughts and opinions matter so much? Even better, did I ask how MY life makes you feel?  I know for certain I didn't. I have way more important things to worry myself sick over than someones approval.

This is what I know for sure. Zack is one of a kind. He has a heart of gold. I tell him all the time it takes a special man to do what he's doing. I mean seriously would you deal with my crazy widow ways, unnecessary drama from protesters of our relationship, all while helping raise the monster (a.k.a. Colten)? I don't know why he does, but I'm so thankful for him. Plus! Colten LOVES Zack, they're two peas in a pod.

As I've said before, I like to believe that Cody has a hand in the choosing of the man that will be in our lives. Happiness and hope are creeping back into our home.

                                <3 Ash

Fueled by anger

There are certain things that I can't think about, because if I do I'm a mess.  I work so hard to keep myself together, having break downs and crying all the time isn't an option I give myself.  So here's to taking a few steps backwards...

I hate that I wasn't there.  If I could change one thing (besides the obvious) I would have been there.  I would do anything to have been able to just hold Cody.  To tell him how proud I was and that it was ok. Tell him how proud Colten was of his daddy, and we'd make it.  I force myself to find comfort in knowing who was with him, that his hand was held, and he was with guys that loved him as much as anyone.

The weekend before Cody died, was awful.  I had the worst feeling.  I was on edge up until they knocked on my door that Tues. and after that it's all a blur.  There's a website that lists all the fatalities  that occur overseas, there were a good twelve empty spots listed for people that had died over the last few days., but the names can not be posted until the families have been notified.  I checked that site every five min. waiting to see that the slots had been filled. Because if all the slots were filled I knew  Cody was ok, and that I had worked myself up over nothing.  Well needless to say Cody was one of those names.  I gave Colten a bath that morning, knowing that I was playing with him while my husband was dying makes me hate myself.  I should of known the moment he was hit that something was wrong.  While I was dressing  and feeding Colten,  Cody was thousands of miles away fighting to live.  That thought makes me sick.

The other day, I was looking at Colten.  I realized that the closest I'll ever come to feeling Cody's touch is holding Colten.  The closest thing to being kissed by Cody are Colten's sweet little open mouth kisses.  It's  hard, but so comforting knowing that I get to hold the same sweet little boy that Cody held so tightly before he deployed.

I had to find some kind of outlet or the anger that has built up inside would eat me alive.  And how can I be the mother I should be and that Colten deserves with I'm pissed at the world?  I'm doing a run in September with the organization Remembering the Brave. It's being held in Colorado as far as I know.  I've never been more motivated to do anything in my life.  This run could be in Japan and I'd be there.  So I run, I run for Cody.  And the days that I feel lazy and I don't want to run , I think of what he went through and the motivation comes flooding  back.

I know without a doubt that running in his honor would make him proud.

Homecoming

The day I married Cody and repeated "Until death do us part" I didn't once think that would be what separated us.  I knew and was ready to be apart because of Cody being on duty for 24 hours, having to do two week field ops every month, go and train at CAX for a month and fight in Afghanistan for seven.  I was completely oblivious to the thought that we wouldn't have lots of babies, and grow old together.


I know in my last post I talked about not knowing if I could handle going to homecoming.  I went back and forth, back and forth.  And in the end I went.  I knew in my heart that Cody wanted me there to welcome home the marines that he loved and in the end died for.  I was so nervous driving onto Lejeune.  I kept thinking "What if I can't handle this, What if the guys don't want me there, What if I regret this, What if...". Why do those two little words make you second guess everything?   I calmed my nerves by talking to  Chrissy (one of my favorite wids).  I don't know if I would have gone through with it if it wasn't for her reassuring me that I was doing what I knew to be right.  I couldn't be more proud of myself for going.


 After I left I felt like an idiot for all the what ifs.  When I saw Cody's plt. they hugged me so tight, and I cried with each one as they whispered how sorry they were.  Let me say there is nothing more humbling than seeing a marine cry over a "fallen" (I hate that word) brother.  They thanked me for coming and told me it meant a lot  because they knew it wasn't easy.  I have such a peace being around those guys.  As strange as it may sound, I can feel Cody through them. I've always felt that he was with me, there hasn't been a second that I've felt alone even though I am, but being around the marines that Cody spent his last three months with, the feeling is intensified.

Going to homecoming was heartbreaking, but it's what I needed.  I needed to make myself see that Cody wasn't coming home, that there would never be a knock on my door to tell me that this has been a huge mistake and that he's ok, but that he was one of the seventeen marines that didn't make it back.  Cody deployed to Afghanistan willing to give his life for his country, and he had complete peace about it.  He was ok with the fact that he could die fighting for you, because it's what he was called to do(those were his words).  I'll never know anyone as brave or as selfless.


My husband is a Hero.

'Tis the season

    Some think I'm better, but I'm not.   I'm completely broken.  I smile on the outside to hide that I'm crying on the inside.  The fairytale that I had is gone, and now like everyone says "I'm living their worst nightmare".  And can I say I hate hearing that?  It just makes me feel even worse to know that no one wants any part of my life which is understandable since I don't want it either, but I don't need it vocalized. I'm not trying to be rude it just hurts.


    I hate December, but not as much as I hate January.  What is it like to know that you'll be in your husbands arms in just a few short weeks?  I'm gonna guess and say you're stomach is in knots, and that you're so excited you shake from nervous.  I feel the same why, but my stomach is in knots because I'll still be alone after Cody's unit is home and that Colten will never get to throw a ball with his dad.  I'm a nervous wreck having the responsibility of raising a child rest solely on my shoulders.  Some fairytale huh?

    I'm at a loss on whether or not I should go to homecoming.  Part of me thinks that Cody would want me there, to take his place, to stand where he would of stood, and the other part isn't so sure I'll be able to handle seeing wives running around and jumping into their husbands arms.  I want to, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough.


     Christmas was so much harder than I had anticipated, I figured I'd be ok since Cody wasn't supposed to be back yet....wrong!  I don't even know why I put makeup on, I must of re done it 3 or 4 times.  Waking up to Colten was so bitter sweet.  Even with seeing his sweet face, it was hard to get the words "Merry Christmas" out.  There was nothing "Merry" about it.  I just wanted to tell everyone "Christmas" this whole season.

     I just miss my husband terribly, and want him back.  I wonder if this was a preview of what Valentines Day, Father's Day, and Cody and Colten's birthday will be like...great.  There should be a "Make-it-all-go-away" pill.


      2011 please better than 2010.