Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Grieving a different loss.

I tend to have "feelings" about how things in my life will go. Sadly, with Cody, I had the worst fears that he wouldn't come home. The thoughts consumed me even before he deployed. Because I was so scared Cody and I talked about him not coming home a lot. I know that sounds morbid and maybe inappropriate to some, but when you send your Husband to Afghanistan to be put on the front lines it's what you do. And let me say I couldn't be more grateful that we had all of those conversations that no one ever wants to have. After Cody was killed and my head started to clear, I remembered the things he said to me. "You'll be fine.",  "You'll pick yourself up off of the floor and raise our son.", "Don't ever settle, you're a Princess and you deserve to treated like one.". I've relived that conversation for the last 4 years. Remembering his tough love has gotten me through some really hard times, even beyond the grave he continues to be my rock.

In August, I found out Zack and I were going to have a baby! We were ecstatic, this wasn't an oops, we planned this sweet baby. The first month of my pregnancy I was all nerves. I couldn't stop texting my best friend (who is almost out of nursing school), every fear I had. Zack knew that I was anxious and was Googling everything I could think of. What are normal pregnancy symptoms at 5 weeks, Back spasms at 5w4d, What does an ultrasound look like when you're barely 5 weeks. I was driving myself crazy.

Last Wednesday,  we went in for our second ultrasound. After what seemed like a hour of silence the ultrasound tech said that she was going to go show the Doctor. My heart was beating so hard I thought it would come out of my chest and I started to panic. Big time.  I told Zack that her leaving was bad, very bad. 10 minutes later the Dr. came in and told us that our baby only measured at 6w4d and had no heartbeat when I should have been measuring at 9 weeks. I was so overwhelmed I started to bawl, and sweet Zack was completely thrown for a loop. I have always kept my emotions bottled up and hidden but this just came spilling out. It's not my personality at all to cause I scene but one was made.

I didn't think I could feel any closer to Zack but I was wrong.  He laid in bed with me for two days while I cried and asked him over and over again to tell me how sad he was and, I saw his eyes fill with tears every time he answered me.  I don't know why I did that. I guess I needed the validation that being completely heartbroken was normal. He watched me binge on Ben & Jerry's and mashed potatoes. Healthy, I know. 

I hope that I made Zack feel as loved as he made me feel this past week.

We lived off of take out food for days and he was perfectly fine with it. He happily went and picked up Wendy's two nights in a row while I sat on the couch in the same sweats as the day before.  Zack took on being Mom and Dad. He dropped off and picked up Colten from preschool, got him snacks, took him to football practice, to his football game, got him showered and in p.j.'s, and did the dishes while I did nothing but cry. Zack is pretty much Superman and I'm so thankful for him.

Before losing a baby to miscarriage I was blind to how painful it really is. A baby is a baby no matter how young or small. This baby meant so much to us and should be known and remembered.  Zack and I have had our hearts broken over more than one loss and we are closer because of it.

Friday, April 18, 2014

My Friday five

We're down another week!
  The days are long but the years are short. 
Isn't that how the saying goes? 
I've heard from every Corps wife that the first and last month go by the slowest and were they right. 
Part of it is self-inflicted torture. Every night before bed I look at my countdown app. I don't know why I think there will be a huge difference from the night before. haha

I was warned about time dragging but no one told me about deployment nesting! Is that even a thing? I made that term up. I'm sure it has to be. Tell me I'm not the only one. 

This week I made my Grandma's spaghetti. You can't go wrong with pasta and a three year old. But what said three year old didn't know, is that I shred a squash and mixed it in with the meat sauce.
It's the small victories in Motherhood. 

Since I had it out, I made zucchini squash fritters.

I love mornings like this with Colten.
 It's hands down one of my favorite things.
I'll take all the cuddles I can get. 

I took Colt to see Rio 2, he forgot all about that bird when he saw Captain America.
He had to have his picture taken with his favorite Superhero. haha
I can't wait to see his face when CA shows up to his party! 

The party I made cupcakes for went really well!
 My four year old client was very pleased. ;)

I finally got the mantle to look the way I wanted it to, the week of Easter. 
Bunnies and eggs can stay up all Spring, right? ;)

 I hope you'll all be spending this weekend with family, 
enjoy your togetherness! 
Happy Easter! 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Tell me what you think!

Let me apologize in advance for the crappy pictures. This is what happens when you take them at night, but I got one of tile samples tonight that I had been waiting on and couldn't wait until tomorrow to ask for your opinion.

We're having a backsplash put in, and I'm SO excited. 
I love everything kitchen. 

But I need input on which tile to use.
Gray or White?

There's something so classic about subway tiles, don't you think so?
There's no other option in my mind.
 Also, we're having hardware put on that looks like this...

I found these at

Colten voted for the white tiles and Zack likes the gray. 
Comment below and tell me what you think!

Friday, April 11, 2014

High Five for Friday

This week has flown by, and for the first time in almost a month Colten went back to preschool. How did I spend my child-free day you ask? Grocery shopping and cleaning out the garage. Motherhood is wild. ;) 

Here's a few highlights from my week...

1. Being home again after being gone for 3 weeks. Heavenly.

2. Zachary won fiancĂ© of the year. I mentioned on Saturday that I really needed a new MacBook and what did he get me on Sunday? 
A new MacBook Pro. 
He's the best.

Now I can blog all the time. ;)

3. We're planting a garden this year! 
If you know me, you should be in fear for the life of our plants.
I have a black thumb, it's bad.
 I think I'll be in charge of making jam and let Zack do the rest. ;)

Those are strawberry plants on the left! 

4. Happy Life Designs made Colten's birthday party invites this year. He loves them!

Let the party planning begin!

5. I have my first baking gig this weekend! *squeal*
I did a trial run earlier this week.

Sorry for the blinding neon icing.

 Today is full of more baking, planting flowers with Colten and a froyo date with our favorite neighbors. How was your week? 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Meet Rachelle

I met Rachelle at a Remembering the Brave event in Denver back in 2011. Rachelle, like myself, is a War Widow. Her Husband, Ricky, was KIA in Iraq April 7,2008. At the age of 22, Rachelle was widowed and 10 weeks pregnant. 

Rachelle is now engaged to Carlton, an Army Vet. They are trying to win a dream wedding and all you have to do to help is click here and vote. There you can read more about how they met and their story. 

Thank you for your help! 

Mason Salt Jar


Hi friends! 
I have a super easy DIY. 
Salt Jar. Salt Mason Jar. Mason Salt Jar.
Adorable, isn't it?

What you need:

  • 1 pint mason jar
  • Empty salt container
  • Scrapbook paper (missing from picture...oops)
  • Scissors or an x-acto knife
  • Pen

This was very simple and  it's much more attractive than a honking blue containing in the cabinet. No offense Morton. 

  • Cut the lid off of your salt container. It doesn't have to be pretty. 
  • Take the lid from your mason jar and trace around the top of the salt container. This way it will be the perfect fit.

  • Next, I did the same thing and traced around a piece of scrapbook paper. I matched it up with the top of the salt container, and traced around the spout.

All that's left is to put it all together!

That's it! The best thing is I already had everything I needed for this little DIY and it took about 5 minutes. And you can use it for so much more than salt! Let me know what you think! 

Friday, April 4, 2014

High 5 for Friday: We had a wedding

      Lucy (and Justin) got married!!

I've never seen a family come together like the Hadley's did last Saturday. Friday is poured down rain and flooded the wedding venue. I don't know how they did it, but they did an amazing job.  If I showed you the before pictures, you wouldn't believe this was the same place. 
It was so beautiful.


The food was delicious. There was a pasta bar. That's right. Pasta. Bar. That was my favorite.
 Colten's was definitely the candy station.
 I caught him trying to stuff his bag with as much as he possibly could.
 He looks so innocent doesn't he? ;)

This happened. 
Colten's first dance. 
*insert crying Mom here*

Lucy and Justin's send-off was spectacular. 
Your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. There were fireworks.
Isn't it magical?

A few days after the wedding we flew to VA where we drove back home to MD.
 It was an amazing 3 weeks but Colten and I are happy to be home. The biggest highlight of my week? Seeing these!!! 

Oh happy day! 
Homecoming is just around the corner!

Have a fantastic weekend! 
I'll be unpacking, doing laundry and going through the biggest stack of mail you've ever seen.

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